So I’ve been kinda catching up on what’s been going on while I was at Le Tour. I started reading about Lance’s ESPY Award(s) and got sidetracked by what was in the gift bags that all the nominees received. Hell, who cares about winning, just give me the gift bag, dudes! The list of goodies is a mile long - they need a cart to haul off all the stuff. I notice that the gifts are pretty heavy on stuff to keep them looking young and beautiful.

Just suppose that I swept into the Award Nite gig in my $39 Shoe Outlet boy’s yellow and black Nike tennies, in my faded $4.99 jeans from the Salvation Army store, topped off by my Glitter Pink Nike tee shirt on sale for $10.99 from Mervyns. I might wear my Go Lance cap or even the Discovery Team cap. Or maybe I'd wear my $3.99 yellow, glitter polka-dot flip-flops, so I could show off my toenails. (I know, you saw the pic before).

But, since I am an Honored Guest, I’d leave my baggy, dirty photographer’s vest and cameras at home. I’d likely be seated on a folding chair by the Men’s Lounge. But hey, I’d get to see all the cute guys as they went in to pee. And I might be able to hear what was going on... No, I mean the awards, not the peeing....

But, maybe, just maybe, if the Cycling Gods smiled upon me, I could cop one of those Awesome Gift Bags. Somebody might throw theirs in the trash can, and I could dig it out.. Or maybe Lance would say, “Hey, Home Girl, would you hold this for me?” And then he’d forget that I have it, or maybe he’d even tell me to keep it. What does he need it for? Anyway, in the AGB, here is a short list - just a few of the items - of what I’d get:
Tee shirts and boxer shorts, running shorts and halters (expensive, not Mervyn’s)
Eye Surgery (no more bags and wrinkles for me!)
Teeth whitening (I would have an unreal, stark white, glittering smile)
A bottle of Crown Royal (in case the they screwed up my eyes and teeth, I could get drunk)
Endermologie to get rid of my cellulite (hope they mean a whole body job)
A Huffy bike (What no Trek? Well, I never....)
A full-length Cashmere robe (I once had a pair of cashmere half-sox in high school - they were from JC Penny’s)
A photo facial rejuvenation (Do they rejuvenate my photo or my face?)
An anti-aging kit (I’m getting some kind of message here, I think)
A Hot Towel Shave in a ritzy, private VIP room (Do they do legs and armpits?)
Tres expensive chocolates and cookies, and radios, and shopping services, and laundry service, and tres chic spa memberships, and gift subscriptions, and sunglasses, and.... eight hours from Mr. Handyman - Oh Yes, I do have some work for him to do. Umm.. Yes...

But, I guess I missed out on all of this by being at the Tour. Oh well... maybe someone saved a little something for me... Maybe I’ll call Mr. Handyman and see if he has any spare time that some celebrity didn’t use...