HA! I’m on to you, Lance Armstrong...don’t try to fool me.... Now that I hear you are a Cyber Criminal (hmm - not sure when you found the time to become a programming expert). But, never-the-mind, logic or rational thinking do not apply anymore in the headlines. So now I know who is responsible for few things that have happened to me lately. OK. I’ll just name them, I’m not afraid...

Come on, Lance - ‘Fess up. My battery died in my Polar Heart Rate Monitor - couldn’t figure out why it went so soon, but now I get it. It’s Lance, the Polar Criminal. No doubt about it - if I asked Betsy, I bet she’d agree. And, My Man, what about the problem with my Dish TV that mysteriously went blooie during my fave Nip Tuck? Well now, Lance the Dish Criminal, I’m on to you.

AHA - I just remembered that a couple of months ago, very mysteriously, the batteries in both my car and my old beater truck went dead.... You know, I thought something was very fishy about that. It couldn’t have been a coincidence. Nope, it was Lance Armstrong, that tricky old Battery Criminal. And.... what about the flat I had on my Trek bike? What about, it Lance? Are you sabotaging your sponsor’s product that I am riding on? Giving me a flat tire, huh? Lance, you Flat Tire Criminal, you....

Whoah! I’m really gonna get you in trouble with your old bosses, Lance. A letter came in the mail to me last week. It had been opened! So you think that you can get away with opening my mail here in San Jose, CA, do you? Just because you were Numero Uno with USPS, don’t think I won’t report you... Lance Armstrong, the Letter-Addressed-to-Somebody-Else-Opener, Fake-USPS-Mailman. I’m gonna ask for an investigation....

And what about all the Mailer Daemon Undeliverable Mail that I’ve been getting by the dozens because some a#%& spammer is using my podiumgirlgonebad.com as a return address. Well, Lance Armstrong, I never thought you would stoop so low as to become a spammer... Lance Armstrong, the Podium Girl Gone Bad Spammer Criminal.

Know, what Lance? I’m gonna sit down and think about anything else that has happened to me lately. Anything that is so absolutely ridiculous, ludicrous, preposterous, stupid, asinine and totally impossible that I could accuse you of doing. Who knows what I will figure out next that you’ve done to me? You just better hope that I don’t turn up pregnant, Lance Armstrong.....